2015-02: April and May

April 14

Salvador

Salvador

April 14

Salvador (at 3:00 am): If I was a rich dog, woofy-woofy-woofy-woof; all day long I’d barky-barky-bark! IF I WAS A WEALTHY DOG!!!!!
Me: Salvador! What are you doing!
Salvador: I am singing the song of my people. Fiddler on the Roof! ROOF! ROOF!
Me: No show tunes after midnight.
Salvador (15 minutes later): I see a little silhouetto of a man — gotta WOOF gotta WOOF — will you do the Fandango!?
Me: SALVADOR! NO FREDDY MERCURY AFTER THREE AM!!!
Salvador: Talent will out, my dear.

April 19

Salvador: I dream of a world where Max can get anger counseling.
Me: Salvador, what are you talking about?
Salvador: No one should have to be mad all the time.
Me: What are you telling me, Sal?
Salvador: Life is too short for anger.
Me: Salvador….
Salvador: People need to learn to let things go. Not sweat the small stuff.
Me: What did you do?
Salvador: Can we just agree nothing in the living room is worth getting mad about?

April 24

Salvador (at 3am): NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA BATDOG!!!
Me: Salvador! It’s the middle of the night. What are you doing?
Salvador: Batdog is ready for his breakfast.
Me: Breakfast isn’t for another two hours. Shouldn’t Batdog be out fighting crime while the rest of Gotham sleeps?
Salvador: Batdog’s alter ego, billionaire playboy Bruce Banner says there might be a little something extra in your paycheck if you make this breakfast thing happen.
Me: You’re not a billionaire playboy. You’re the family pet. Besides, it’s Bruce Wayne. Bruce Banner is the Incredible Hulk.
Salvador: Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

April 25

Salvador: I just watched a video on YouTube of cats losing fights with bananas.
Me: So?
Salvador: Cats are stupid. Anybody who is afraid of a banana is totally stupid.
Me: You’re afraid of the mailman.
Salvador: I totally am not! I’m just letting him know I’m watching him.
Me: You’re afraid of the vet.
Salvador: With reason. Some things just never grow back.
Me: You’re afraid of the ice cream truck. That’s pretty silly.
Salvador: That’s totally not the same thing!
Me: Then go out to the ice cream truck and get me a Banana Bombpop.
Salvador: Jerk.

April 25

Salvador: Hey! I’m making up a shopping list for you. Did you know we’re out of steak?
Me: Stay out of the refrigerator, Sal. We can’t afford steak.
Salvador: Yeah. Just pick up a few of those cheap bony ones. You know…. The ones with the big bone shaped like a T.
Me: There’s a brisket in there. That will just have to hold us for awhile.
Salvador: Yeah. About that. I’m just going to go ahead and add brisket to the list.

April 29

Salvador: Can I have a motorcycle?
Me: No.
Salvador: I need one.
Me: No.
Salvador: Please?
Me: No.
Salvador: Please?!?
Me: No.
Salvador: Fascist.
Me: You’re not getting a motorcycle.

April 29

Salvador: I understand they’re thirsty in Atlanta.
Me: Your point?
Salvador: There’s beer in Texarkana.
Me: Absolutely not.
Salvador: C’mon! Just you and me and the open road.
Me: No.
Salvador: Wind in our fur. Running from the law. Blowing through speed traps.
Me: I don’t speed.
Salvador: I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. Maybe you should just let me drive.
Me: Absolutely not.
Salvador: We could take motorcycles.
Me: No motorcycles, Sal.
Salvador: Call me “Bandit.”
Me: Forgot it.
Salvador: Sad. Little Enos wins before we’re even out of the driveway.

April 30

Salvador: Batdog needs a motorcycle.
Me: Batdog isn’t getting a motorcycle. Salvador isn’t getting a motorcycle. Bandit isn’t getting a motorcycle. No motorcycles.
Salvador: But Batdog needs one. For work.
Me: Then Batdog better save up and buy one himself.
Salvador: You know you sounded just like your mother just now.
Me: Did not.
Salvador: You totally did.

April 30

Salvador: If I bring down a moose, can it go in the stew pot?
Me: Sure. If you can get a moose, I’ll put it in the stew pot.
Salvador: If I bring down a bear, can it go in the stew pot?
Me: If you manage to get a bear without getting killed, we can stew it.
Salvador: What about a lion? If I bring down a lion, can it go in the stew pot?
Me: We don’t really have them on this continent, but sure. If you somehow manage to get a lion, we’ll put it in the stew pot.
Salvador: Let’s talk about the neighbor’s cat.

May 2

Somebody needs a bath. Dahlia and Mr. Ropey. She has to lay on him so Salvador can't steal him while she naps. He's alway after her Lucky Charms.

Somebody needs a bath. Dahlia and Mr. Ropey. She has to lay on him so Salvador can’t steal him while she naps. He’s alway after her Lucky Charms.

May 5

Salvador (Stage Whispers): Are you awake?
Me: Uhhg. I am now.
Salvador: Good. We need to howl.
Me: Wha? Why would we do that?
Salvador: It’s storming. We, uh, have to warn the others.
Me: Warn the others?
Salvador: Sure… So they can… You know…
Me: You’re afraid, aren’t you?
Salvador: Don’t be silly! I’m not afraid of a little–
( BOOM! Lightning lights up the whole room and thunder shakes the house.)
Salvador (Whimpers): Hold me.

May 5

Salvador: I need to learn to use chopsticks.
Me: I know I’m going to regret asking…. Why?
Salvador: Well, I’ve been going through your credit card receipts and I noticed every time Katei had a special day, you take her for sushi.
Me: Yeah. And?
Salvador: I’m about due for a special day myself. I expect you’ll want to take me out for sushi, too.
Me: I see. And what kind of special day are you planning?
Salvador: I’m flexible.
Me: Just a random special day, huh?
Salvador: Every dog has his day, my friend. Every dog has his day.

May 5

Dahlia playing dead. She is such a drama queen.

Dahlia playing dead. She is such a drama queen.

May 7

Salvador: The LOVE BOAT!!! Exciting and new!! Come aboard!!! We’re expecting you!!!
Me: That’s a pretty good lounge act impersonation there, Sal.
Salvador: The Looooooove Boat!!! Soon will be making another run!!! The Loooove Boat promises something for everyone!!!!
Me: Seriously. You should get an agent.
Salvador: I want to go on the Love Boat.
Me: That’s a great idea. I’ll make the call.
Salvador: But I think that– wait, what?
Me: I’ll go get you a ticket. Right now.
Salvador: Seriously?
Me (Hurrying out of the room): Seriously. Fantastic idea.
Salvador: Hey! You’re coming, too… right? Right? Wait!
Me: …
Salvador: Well, crap. That did not go the way I expected.

May 7

Salvador (Charging across the room, leaping over the coffee table, slamming the couch against the wall, and with nose pressed to window, chants): Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

<FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER>

Salvador (Charging across the room, leaping over the coffee table, slamming the couch against the wall, and with nose pressed to window, chants): Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
Katei: What in the world is that dog doing?!
Me: The neighbors have a new puppy. They’re walking him around the block.
Katei: Lemme guess. Springer Spaniel?
Me: Our Salvador watches way too much television.

May 7

Salvador: Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall buildings at a single bound! Didja ever notice that Superman would let the bullets bounce off his chest, but would duck when the criminal threw the gun at him?
Me: Yep. That’s television for you.
Salvador: Didja ever wonder if those bullets bouncing off of his chest ever hit an innocent bystander?
Me: Nope, Sal. Innocent bystanders didn’t get shot in the ’50s.
Salvador: Seriously?
Me: It was a happier time, Salvador. A kinder, happier time.
Salvador: I guess he lost the battle for truth, justice, and the American way, huh?

May 16

Poor Dahlia was savagely beaten and cruelly thrown to the floor by the couch. At least, that’s her story. From where I was sitting across the room, all I can really say for sure is that she was snoring when she rolled over.

When couches attack. Next on Fox.

May 19

Salvador has got the wings of heaven on his shoes; he’s a dancin’ dog and he just can’t lose. The squirrels and bunnies don’t come out so good, though.

May 20

Salvador: I just read that if a person dies with animals in the house, that a cat will eat the body to keep from starving but a dog will starve himself to death instead of eating the body.
Me: That’s interesting.
Salvador: Yeah. I’m not really liking this whole ‘starve myself to death’ thing. That doesn’t really work for me.
Me: So… what? You’re asking if it’s okay if you eat me?
Salvador: Would that be a problem?
Me: Just to be clear… you mean if I’m dead, right?
Salvador: Sure. Dead. Or fairly much incapacitated.

May 21

Salvador: Did you ever stop to think that the Decepticons might get farther if they had a different name?
Me: Like what?
Salvador: Dunno. Something less obvious. Decepticon just sounds evil. Maybe the Assurobots. Or the Benevolodroids. You know… fool people into thinking they’re the good guys.
Me: The Bunnybots.
Salvador: Now you’re just being ridiculous.
Me: And their leader could be Captain Happy.
Salvador: Stop it.
Me: Or Megatickle.With a 15 giggle-watt death ray disguised as a pink snowcone.
Salvador: You really aren’t very funny.

May 23

Me (Waking up suddenly at 3:00 am); Ow! OW OW OW!!! Ooooooowwwwww!!!!!!
Salvador (Leaping up, running frantically back and forth): Aaaeeeeooooooo!!!!! Aaaaaeeeeeeooooo!!!! Dude! Dude! Why are we howling?!
Me: I’m not howling. I have a leg cramp.
Salvador: You scared the crap out of me! What’s wrong with you?!
Me: Uhh. Leg cramp?
Salvador: Rub some dirt on it and walk it off.

May 26

Salvador: Do I look mangy?
Me: Huh? No. Not mangy… Maybe a little scruffy.
Salvador: The Boxer next door told me I look mangy.
Me: Don’t let it bother you. You’re a very handsome dog.
Salvador: She said my splashing in a mud puddle interrupted her meditation.
Me: Really?
Salvador: Can we put her in a box and mail her to Buddhapest?
Me: A box of Boxer bound for Buddhapest. Brilliant.
Salvador: Word.

 

 

 

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