Salvador: We need a pool.
Me: Who has time for a pool?
Salvador: I do. I could lounge by it. Work on my tan.
Me: You’re covered in black fur. You don’t tan.
Salvador: Dude. I could totally tan. And pick up chicks.
Me: You need to go to the public pool if you want to pick up chicks. We’re lacking backyard chicks.
Salvador: Yeah… I kinda got banned from the public pool. They didn’t like me peeing in it.
Me: Go figure. Probably made it hard to pick up chicks, too, huh?
Salvador: You’d think that, wouldn’t you? Didn’t seem to bother them. In fact, most of them left in a hurry to go home and tell others how cool I am.
Me: You really think that’s why they left?
Salvador: It’s Tuesday, you know…
Salvador: Tuesday. Sweet, sweet Tuesday. Know what I like best about Tuesday?
Me: What’s that?
Salvador: Tacos. All you can eat tacos on Taco Tuesday. An endless supply of tacos. Hard tacos. Soft tacos. Extra cheese. Extra meat. Double extra cheese extra meat.
Me: You know they won’t let you back in there, Sal. They figured out you aren’t really a Seeing Eye Dog when you stole that old lady’s burrito.
Salvador: In my defense, it was a Super Burrito.
Me: Yes. And it belonged to an old lady. A frail old lady. You knocked her down, Sal. I thought she was going to cry.
Salvador: No sense dwelling on the past. Let’s make this taco thing happen. You know in your heart you want to.
Salvador: Dogs should get to vote.
Me: I’m not sure that’s such a great idea, Sal.
Salvador: Give me one good reason why not! I think my candidate would make a wonderful President of the United States. He’s loaded with political experience.
Me: Oh? And who’s that?
Salvador: Mayor McCheese.
Me: And there’s your one good reason why not.
At 3:00 am – Ringring. Ringring.
Me (Whispering): Dude! It’s me.
Salvador: I’m trying to get some sleep, here, you know.
Salvador: It’s been a long day.
Salvador: Lounging by the pool. Hitting on a cute poodle.
Salvador: Goodnight. (Click.)
Noonish – Ringring. Ringring.
Me: Dude! It’s me, again.
Salvador: Can’t talk.
Salvador: Hitting on a poodle. (Click.)
Mid-Afternoon. Ringring. Ringring.
Me: Dude. It’s me, again.
Salvador: Can I call you back in a bit?
<Early Evening. Ringring. Ringring.>
Salvador: It’s me.
Me: Dude. It took you long enough to call back.
Salvador: Yeah. About that. Can you send money?
Me: You’re calling for money?
Salvador: Two words. Vending machines.
Me: Vending machines?
Salvador: Yeah. They’re amazing. Why didn’t you tell me about these things?
Me: You don’t need snacks.
Salvador: Let’s just make this money thing happen.
Exactly 8:23pm. Portland time.
Salvador: I haven’t gotten that money we talked about yet. Thought you might want to check on that.
Me: I didn’t send any money.
Salvador: What!? Why not?!
Me: All of your needs are taken care of.
Salvador: But not my wants.
Me: Stay away from the vending machines, Sal.
Salvador: You know I’m the one who will pick your nursing home, don’t you?
At 9:38pm in Rock Springs, Wyoming.
Salvador: Dude! Check it out! I’m a mutant space alien!!!
Me: What are you talking about?
Salvador: I just think things and people do it. I’ve got some sort of psychic mutant mind power!
Me: For example?
Salvador: Well, like today. I was thinking about my breakfast, and BAM! Somebody brings me my breakfast. Then I was thinking of lounging by the pool an BAM! Someone takes me to the pool.
Me: I see.
Salvador: There’s more!!! Then I was thinking about my dinner and BAM! Someone brings my dinner.
Me: I think it’s all just a coincidence, Sal.
Salvador: But the exact same thing happened yesterday! And the day before!!!
Me: You’re not psychic, Sal. You’re in a rut.
Salvador: You know who else gets in a rut? Psychic mutant space aliens!!!
Me: Sal… have you been drinking?
About 10:40 pm in Kansas City. Ringring. Ringring.
Salvador: Facebook says you’re 7.2 miles away.
Me: Uhh. Yeah.
Salvador: And not moving.
Me: Uhh. Yeah.
Salvador: Come get me.
Me: I can’t until tomorrow, Sal. Camp Bow Wow is closed for the evening.
Salvador: I’m going over the wall. Get here now.
Me: Sal, I’ll be there in the morning.
Salvador: Come right now. Don’t make me steal another car.
<6:55pm. Salvador crouches in the corner, snarling, growling softly, and shaking his paw menacingly.>
Me: Sal, what are you doing?
Me: Yeah, sure. Of course. Why?
Salvador: Superheroes with a dark past brood. I’m brooding.
Me: Batdog is tormented by his inner demons?
Salvador: Not Batdog. I’m the Wooferine.
Me: I see. And you’re tormented by memories of a poodle whose name just happens to be Jean Grey?
Salvador: Dude! That’s amazing! It’s like you totally just read my mind. What am I thinking about now?
Salvador: Get out of my head, Charles.
Salvador: I’m going to run for President.
Me: You can’t run for President, Sal.
Salvador: Just give me one good reason why not!
Me: They don’t let dogs run.
Salvador: Donald Trump is running.
Me: Point taken. Let’s file the paperwork.
Salvador: So… I hear you’re going to The Animal Rescue Alliance (T.A.R.A.) fundraiser at Pizza Street, tonight.
Salvador: So what time do we leave?
Salvador: You. Me. Us. Getting in the car and going to the pizza buffet.
Me: I think the invitation may have been humans only.
Salvador: Was not. Besides, I’m the alum. They’d be thrilled to see me again.
Me: I’m sure they would… just not in a restaurant.
Me: It’s not my fault you can’t be trusted around a buffet.
Salvador: Sign says “All You Can Eat.” They shouldn’t make the offer if they don’t mean it.