Salvador (at five a. m., with his nose two inches from mine): Are you awake?
Me: I am now.
Salvador: HAPPY CHEESE INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!!
Salvador: They day our ancestors threw off the chains of tyranny and invented American Cheese.
Me: I see. Cheese tyranny.
Salvador: it’s no Gouda for anyone.
Salvador: I need a coonskin cap. You know. For the campaign trail.
Me: You think it will help?
Salvador: It’ll give me an air of authenticity when I tell people about the log cabin I was born in. People love that sort of thing.
Me: You were born in a log cabin?
Salvador: Don’t be stupid. I was born under an overpass in Kansas City, Kansas. But the whole log cabin thing worked for my ancestor, Davy Crockett.
Me: Wait, what? Can you prove Davy Crockett is your ancestor?
Salvador: Can you prove he wasn’t?
Salvador: He was a Senator from Tennessee, you know. He died in the war for Texas’s independence with his Tennessee Volunteers.
Me: That’s impressive, Sal. Most dogs aren’t that aware of history.
Salvador: Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. Remember the a la mode!!!!
Salvador: I’ve got a fabulous idea for a television show. Totally original.
Me: Okay. Let’s hear it.
Salvador: It’s about me and my cousin on the run from a corrupt dog catcher in rural Georgia. Hijinks ensue. It’s called “The Dogs of Hazzard.”
Me: Yep. Totally original.
Salvador: Thing is, I’ll need a 1969 Charger. You know… to make good my escapes. And the car will — and this is the brilliant part — actually become a character in the show. People love cars.
Me: Lemme guess. You’ll call it the General Flea.
Salvador: Show some respect! That’s my culture you’re making fun of. Besides… there just might be a part for you in this show.
Me: As the lovable, coverall wearing father figure wise beyond all telling?
Salvador: I was thinking more of the bumbling, inept fat man in a white leisure suit.
Me: So, how’s that finding a job and buying your own kibble plan coming?
Salvador: Or! Or maybe you would be better as the lovable father figure. So, can I have the Charger?
Salvador: I’m just a good boy. Never meanin’ no harm.
Salvador: Roscoe P. Coaltrain wins again.
Me: Sal, have you been adding to the grocery list?
Salvador: What? Me? I don’t know– What!?
Me: It kinda looks like your pawmanship.
Salvador: I’d never… What?
Me: You’re sure it wasn’t you?
Salvador: Must have been Katei. Did you ask her?
Salvador: The Royals are sending seven men to the All Star Game.
Me: I heard. That’s great!
Salvador: No. It’s terrible. None of them are dogs.
Me: Dogs don’t play baseball.
Salvador: Racist. Dogs would be great players.
Me: How so?
Salvador: I could play outfield. By. Myself. Catch any ball and tackle the runner before he got to second base.
Me: You don’t tackle in baseball.
Salvador: Bet more people would watch if you did.
Me: But you couldn’t hold the bat.
Salvador: Bat schmatt. I could just steal the base.
Me: Could you?
Salvador: In the time it takes a human to steal one base, I could make off with the base, three hot dogs, and the third-base coach’s truss.
Me: Larceny is in your heart, Sal.
Salvador: I know, right? I’m perfect for a career in sports.
Salvador: I have a dream of home ownership.
Me: It’s pretty hot outside, Sal. Are you sure you want a doghouse?
Salvador: Who said anything about outside? I also have a dream of central air.
Me: Well, you have your kennel in the living room. That’s kind of like a doghouse.
Salvador: It’s kind of like a jail. Besides, it has no swimming pool.
Me: You want an indoor swimming pool?
Salvador: Or a Jacuzzi.
Me: Forget it.
Salvador: Or both. I’ll let you use them.
Me: Mighty generous of you.
Salvador: I know, right? I’m a real saint. So when can you start digging?
Salvador: So… I hear you’re having a hog roast at church tonight.
Me: Oh? And just why not?
Salvador: Too much responsibility. This sort of thing should never be left to mere humans. Hog roasting should be left to the experts. Me.
Me: Uh-huh. The experts…..
Salvador: Look, I’m willing to give up my valuable Saturday evening to go supervise.
Me: Very decent of you, Sal.
Salvador: Normally I’d have to charge by the hour… but for you, I think I can make a deal.
Me: Because of all that free room and board and stuff?
Salvador: My hog roasts bring all the dogs to the yard, and they’re like, “It’s better than yours.”
Me: Just stop.
Salvador: I could teach you, but I’d have to charge.
Salvador: Question. If you were seriously injured, would you rather go to MASH 4077, Rampart General, or Sickbay?
Me: MASH, I suppose. Best care anywhere.
Salvador: Yeah, right. Two words: Frank Burns. With your luck, you’d get him… and on an off day at that.
Me: Okay, then. Sickbay. All the futuristic technology.
Salvador: Wrong, again. Name me one person who wasn’t a bridge officer who ever survived a trip to Sickbay. You can’t, can you? That’s because they ALL DIED. And, let’s face it, you’re not bridge officer material.
Me: Well, I guess that leaves Rampart.
Salvador: You’d pick a hospital from the ’70s!? One that was struggling to figure out how an emergency room works?! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!?!
Me: Sal — riddle me this: why did you even ask?
Salvador: Don’t get sick. You make bad decisions when you’re sick.
Salvador: I’m thinking of starting a band.
Me: Müttly Crüe?
Salvador: Nice. No… I’m going to call it the Soggy Bottom Dogs.
Me: I see. Soggy, huh?
Salvador: Have you felt my bottom, lately?
Me: Sal, that’s sick.
Salvador: It’s just one of the many reasons that I am a dog of constant sorrow.
Me: You’re practically a study in misery.
Salvador: But you can fix that.
Me: Somehow, I knew you’d have a plan.
Salvador: Two words: canned food.
Me: And that will fix the constant sorrow?
Salvador: They say you can’t buy happiness. But that’s okay. I’m good with renting.
Salvador: Here’s an idea…. Sharknado 4 – Salvador Bites Back. Eh? Eh? Pretty good, huh?
Me: Developed a taste for sushi, have you?
Salvador: Sharks might be the most deadly predator in the water… but they’re not IN the water.
Me: Actually, ounce for ounce, the Moray eel is the most deadly predator in the ocean.
Salvador: Where do you get all this useless information?
Me: I read books, Sal. Vectors. Trajectors. I don’t get all of my information from the movies.
Salvador: Mornado just doesn’t have the same magic ring, you know.
Me: Life can be cruel, Sal. Life can be cruel.
Salvador: You know who the best band ever is?
Me: I’m guessing you’re going to tell me.
Salvador: The Monkees.
Me: I see.
Salvador: Know who told me? Your Auntie Grizelda.
Me: Nice pre-1970 music reference there, Sal.
Salvador: Totally, plus the local rock group down the street is trying hard to learn their songs.
Me: And the hits just keep on coming.
Me: Salvador! You can’t drive! You don’t have a driver’s license.
Salvador: I don’t really have a dog license, either. Doesn’t keep me from barking.