Salvador: So, I was talking to Katei….
Me : And?
Salvador: She says capes are in this season.
Me: Oh, really? Huh.
Salvador: So I went online and found one for you. It’s bright yellow and says “Boy Wonder.”
Me: You didn’t.
Salvador: You’re welcome. Now you will be in style when Batdog takes you for your walks.
Me: Pretty sure this isn’t what Katei meant by capes.
Salvador: Yeah. You weren’t even there.
Salvador: You need to install a complaint box.
Me: Oh? And why is that?
Salvador: So that I can lodge anonymous complaints, of course!
Me: Well, Dahlia doesn’t write and Katei doesn’t complain, so anything in the box would have to come from you.
Salvador: What are you saying?
Me: Out with it, Sal. What’s your gripe?
Salvador: Katei took me for a walk yesterday.
Salvador: She didn’t let me catch the squirrel.
Me: You don’t really need the squirrel, Sal.
Salvador: I’d have brought him home for the stew pot.
Me: You don’t need to catch squirrels.
Salvador: We have to eat.
Me: Stew pot is full, Sal.
Salvador: Look. Just put in the box.
Salvador: You’re my daddy, right?
Me: Of course, Sal.
Salvador: And you’re married to Katei?
Me: Of course, Sal.
Salvador: And so, by extension, she’s my mommy?
Me: Of course, Sal.
Salvador: Great. You need to go fight the Rottweilers next door.
Me: Wait. What?!
Salvador: Yeah. They said my mother – your wife, remember – wears combat boots.
Me: Sal, why are you always trying to get me into fights with those dogs?
Salvador: Irrelevant. I suggest you take a stick. You know. A whacking stick.
Me: Sal, I think we’ll just let it slide for this time.
Salvador: Combat boots? You’re going to let combat boots just slide?
Me: Yep. If you don’t mind.
Salvador: I do mind, the dog minds. This aggression will not stand, man.
Salvador (At 3 am, our noses two inches apart): Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Me: Go to sleep, Sal.
Salvador: No! I am your father!
Me: You aren’t my father. You’re my house pet.
Salvador: You do not know the power of the Dog Side of the Force. Join me andntogether we will rule the universe!
Dahlia (At 3 am, laying all of her 85 pounds on my chest and licking my face): Lick-lick-lick. Lick-lick-lick.
Me: Dahlia! Stop that!
Dahlia: Lick!!! Lick!!!! Lick!!!!! Lickitty-lick-lick-lick!!!!!
Me (Finally getting my arms untangled from the blanket and putting her in a head lock): Dahlia! Stop! Go to sleep.
Dahlia: Lick? Lick lick?
Me: Stop! What’s wrong?!
Salvador: She had a bad dream.
Me: She only ever dreams of rabbits. How can that be bad?
Salvador: They caught her.
Me: Salvador, shake!
Salvador: <fist bump>
Me: Uhh…. Dude…. That’s not the way we practiced it.
Salvador: I know. That’s our new secret handshake.
Me: What do we need a secret handshake for?
Salvador: You know. So we’re sure it’s us.
Me: I’m pretty sure I can recognize you, Sal. Plus I can always just read your tags.
Salvador: You’re forgetting about body snatchers. What about body snatchers?
Me: Not worried.
Salvador: And that’s why your body will be the first one snatched.
Does your warranty cover head butts from naughty doggies? A friend wants to know.
Salvador: The voice on the Arby’s commercial just told me that bacon is a present pigs give you when you’re good.
Me: Seems reasonable.
Salvador: You’re always telling me I’m a good boy, right?
Me: Yes I am.
Salvador: And so I deserve bacon, right?
Me: Yes you do.
Salvador: And so I— wait. What?
Me: You deserve bacon, Sal.
Salvador: Well, I have to say this was easier than I anticipated. So, when can I expect my bacon?
Me: Just as soon as you can locate a pig willing to give you a present.
Salvador: Oh, I see what you did, there. Still… I think you need to act as my representative to the pigs.
Me: Sal, the ears don’t hear you. Talk to the ham.
Salvador isn’t speaking to me right now. He watched Jurassic World and wanted me to call him Indominus Woof.
I asked if we could settle on Velocipoodle.
Salvador: You know how when you’re using your Orwellian tactics to force me to conform to your totalitarian definition of “Good Boy” you tell me everyone likes a good boy, nobody likes a bad boy?
Me: Uhmm…. Let’s agree for the moment that I do. What’s your point?
Salvador: Well, I was just thinking that if Michael Jackson became a pop superstar by being bad, imagine how big of a star I could be by being good.
Me: Sal, I, uh… yeah… uhm.. I’m going to go ahead and say it: I think I like where you’re going with this.
Salvador: After all, Billie Jean is not my lover, either.
Me: Just to tell me once again, who’s a good boy?
Salvador: Don’t push it. I’m going to need some serious dance lessons.
Salvador: I almost got a squirrel today.
Me: Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, Sal.
Salvador: Pretty sure it counts for something in squirrel catching.
Me: Nope. Just horseshoes and hand grenades.
Salvador: Well, then get me a hand grenade. I’ll bring him down next time.
Salvador: Hey… Dahlia said you’re going to the doctor today.
Salvador: But you seem healthy.
Me: I am. I just need to get my pill refills.
Salvador: Oh! Flea medicine.
Me: No. It’s not for fleas.
Salvador: Hey! I’m not judging. Lots of folks get a little flea infestation from time to time.
Me: Sal, it’s not for fleas.
Salvador: No need to be ashamed. Fleas aren’t the social stigma they once were.
Me: Sal! I told you… it’s not for fleas!
Salvador: A lot of good people get fleas. It doesn’t mean they are less good.
Me: I DON’T HAVE FLEAS!!!!
Salvador: <Cocks head to the side and stares.>
Me: It’s for my blood pressure, Sal.
Salvador: Huh. Blood pressure? I wonder why you would have high blood pressure.
Me: I wonder that, too, Sal. I wonder that, too.
Salvador: So… are we going to go shake down the neighbors for some of that sweet, sweet free candy action?
Me: Are you saying you want to go trick-or-treating?
Salvador: Or? See, thing is I’m really more a both/and kind of dog.
Me: Trick-and-treating? What do you have in mind?
Salvador: I’ll knock ’em down. You grab the candy. We both run.
Me: Sounds kind of underhanded, Sal.
Salvador: Free candy time is no time for moral qualms. The chocolate-coated end justifies the means.
Me: Have you no shame, Sal?
Salvador: Not when nougat is on the menu, I don’t.