Salvador (yelling, from kitchen): Dude! I’m making pizza rolls. Want any?
Me: Yeah. I could eat a– wait a minute! What are you doing in my pizza rolls?
Salvador: Well, what choice did I have? You’re out of frozen burritos.
Me: You ate all of my burritos?
Salvador: Yeah. I might be a little hard to live with tonight. But I was still hungry after I finished off the soft pretzels.
Me: YOU ATE A WHOLE BOX OF SOFT PRETZELS!? It was a brand new box!
Salvador: Did I mention you’re out of beer?
Salvador: ‘Bout time you get home.
Me: It’s Sunday, buddy. I’ve got a lot of responsibilities at the parish on Sunday.
Salvador: Hmm. You could have stayed home with me. Done something educational.
Me: So, what did you do that was educational all day?
Salvador: Movie marathon.
Me: And what did you learn from that?
Salvador: When somebody tells you, “we shall settle this according to the old laws” it means they are about to hand you your butt.
Salvador: I need guns.
Me: Huh? What!?!
Salvador: Guns. Weapons. Side arms. You know… six shooters.
Me: What on earth for?
Salvador. I’m going to head out west. Have adventures. Change my name.
Me: To what?
Salvador: Dog Holiday.
Me: You watch too much t.v., Sal.
Salvador: I’m your doggleberry.
Me: And you REALLY need to work on your catchphrase.
Salvador (at 3:00am): I need you to write a book.
Me: Can’t it wait until morning?
Salvador: No. “My Friend Dog Holiday” needs to be written.
Me: Batdog. Wooferine. Dogpool. Lieutenant Woof. My personal favorite… Salvador of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct to Unimatrix Dog. And now Dog Holiday. Is there any movie you haven’t twisted into your bizarre canine fantasy?
Salvador: Well…. There’s Maximum Roverdrive.
Salvador: WHY AREN’T YOU PANICKING!!!!!
Me: Why, pray tell, would I want to do that?
Salvador: DID YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED TO THE STOCK MARKET TODAY!?!
Me: Calm down, buddy. Yeah — I saw it. Something about China. Why are you so worried?
Salvador: WHY?!? ALL MY MONEY IS INVESTED IN CHINESE FOOD!!!!
Me: You’re back quick.
Salvador: I got as far as Arizona and the Shootout at the I’m-OK-You’re-OK Corral and came home.
Me: What happened, Dog Holiday?
Salvador: I wasn’t okay.
Me: You didn’t really even leave the back yard, did you Sal?
Salvador: Cowboys are stupid.
Me: So, it wasn’t much of an adventure?
Salvador: Can I just have my “Property of Starfleet” collar back?
Me: I’m glad you’re home, Sal.
Salvador: Call me Lieutenant Woof.
“Deja woof. The feeling I’ve barked at this mailman before.” — Salvador
Me: Look…. I’m just saying I think they were on to us.
Salvador: They totally weren’t. Lots of blind guys go to the movies. They have to let the service dogs in.
Me: That’s not the point.
Salvador: I’m sure we fooled ’em. I was on my best behavior. I didn’t even steal that dude’s nachos and they were totally unattended.
Me: They may have believed you were a service dog. They just didn’t believe I was blind.
Salvador: Oh? And what are you suggesting tipped them off? Our cover was perfect.
Me: It was. Until you asked for two pairs of 3D glasses.
Salvador: People are saying Carrie Fisher didn’t age well. I think that’s totally bogus. I would so let her pet my belly.
Me: I thought she aged better than Harrison Ford. Ol’ Han Solo was looking awfully jowly.
Salvador: You know who didn’t age well? Chewbacca. He’s obviously had some work done. And that ridiculous dye job with his fur. Who does he think he’s fooling?!
Salvador: So… how did you like it?
Me: I thought it was pretty good. I liked it as well as, say, an odd-numbered Star Trek film.
Salvador: That’s going a bit far….
Me: Well, it was much better than the prequels. Of course… that’s not saying much.
Salvador: It was as good as the original, I suppose.
Me: Slicker, for sure. Less creative, but bonus points for style.
Salvador: Thing is, Yoda hid on a remote planet… Obi Wan hid on a remote planet… Now Luke hides on a remote planet…. When the going gets tough, a Jedi tucks tail and runs.
Me: It’s the way of the Force, I suppose.
Salvador: Yeah. Well, it’s not the Starfleet way.
Me: Hey, Sal…
Salvador: Don’t call me Sal.
Me: Oh? What should I call you?
Salvador: My name is Maximus Decimus Salvidius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.
Me: Oh, crap.
Somebody — for reasons I can’t even begin to comprehend — opened the gate to the back yard. Salvador and Dahlia got out and went on an unsupervised adventure… which is never a good idea.
They couldn’t possibly have been out for more than ten or so minutes before I discovered they were gone and went looking. I found them within a couple of minutes. Still… They were a couple of terrifying minutes.
Salvador: It was all Dahlia’s idea, you know.
Salvador: She said we should travel and see the world.
Me: Uh-huh. You made it about three houses up the street. What did you think of the world?
Salvador: Terrifying place.
Me: Did you learn your lesson?
Salvador: There’s a test?! I didn’t know there was going to be a test! I didn’t study!
Salvador: Did you hear that Sean Penn and his best friend, Dogg Penn, went to visit a notorious Chihuahua named El Barko who is on the lamb in Mexico?
Me: Yeah… I heard something about that.
Salvador: Rumor has it that Dogg Penn let one rip. Blamed it on Sean, who tried to claim it was “traveler’s flatulence.”
Me: Doesn’t that usually work the other way?
Salvador: Turn about is fair play, my friend…. All is fair in love and gas.
Salvador: Did you know you can play eight hours of night train sounds on YouTube while you sleep?
Me: Really? Why?
Salvador: To help you sleep. I read it on your Facebook newsfeed.
Me: You read my newsfeed?
Salvador: I mean I saw it in a magazine.
Salvador: Just google it.
Me: Hey… here’s two hours of rain on a canvas tent. Let’s try that.
(Two blissful hours of sleep later.)
Salvador: Dude. Wake up. I think the rain stopped. Man, I’m glad. It really made me have to pee.
Salvador: Should I straighten up or should I fly right?
Me: Let’s not make it an Or, buddy. Let’s go for And.
“We are Groot.” — Salvador
“I am the eggman. They are the eggmen. I am the walrus. Goo goo g’ joob.” — Salvador
Salvador: Dogs should have their own empire.
Me: What would dogs do with an empire?
Salvador: Whatever we wanted. We’d be like the Klingon Empire.
Me: The Doggone Empire?
Salvador: Your jokes are without honor.
Salvador: Whadda ya mean there are no gnomes in Alaska?!
Me: Sorry, buddy. It’s just a name. Isn’t even spelled the same.
Salvador: But there are at least dwarves on dwarf planets.
Me: Dunno. Probably not.
Salvador: Well, this day just keeps getting better and better.
Me: And before you ask, No. The dragon fruit isn’t grown by real dragons.
Salvador: I choose to believe that it is. To thine own elf be true.
Lying there in the sun
All things to everyone
Bark bark all day.
I like black and white —
Dreaming of black and white —
Sal is black and white
Bark bark all day.
“We’ll use rocket belts. And we’ll take a bazooka.” — Salvador
Salvador: Today is Squirrel Appreciation Day.
Me: Is it? How are you planning to celebrate?
Salvador: With a barbecue.
Salvador: Dogs evolved from humans, you know.
Me: I kinda doubt that, Sal.
Salvador: Totally true. Higher life forms evolve from lower ones. So humans evolved from bugs and dogs evolved from humans.
Me: Humans did not evolve from bugs.
Salvador: Ah-hah! That’s exactly the sort of denial I’d expect from a lower life form.
Me: If dogs are so much more advanced than humans, how come we have thumbs and you don’t?
Salvador: Thumbs are overrated.
Me: Really? Open your own cans of food.
Salvador: You’re just jealous because I’m a tool user and you’re a tool.
Salvador: I’m thinking of running for President.
Me: I think you should. We’re ready for our first Canine American in the Oval Office. What are your campaign promises?
Salvador: A chicken and a little pot?
Me: You might need to work on that.
Salvador: If elected, I’m going to bomb the dickens out of ’em.
Me: Out of whom?
Salvador: That part matters?
Salvador: If elected, I promise to bring back Smurfberry Crunch.
Me: You’ve got my vote.
Salvador: And I promise to pass a law that says they have to have Star Trek in production at all times.
Me: Real Trek or that J. J. Abrams crap?
Salvador: There is no room in my America for alternate universes. Getting rid of Abrams Trek is Job One in making America great again.
Me: You might not be the president America wants…. But you’re the one it needs.
Dahlia: WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!!
Me: Dahlia! It’s just the mailman.
Dahlia: WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!!
Me: He’s not stealing our stuff.
Dahlia: WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!!
Me: Dahlia. Please.
Dahlia (glancing sideways out the window): Woof. Woof?
Salvador: Shut up, Wesley.
Salvador: I have a cold.
Salvador: You know what they say….
Me: No. What do they say?
Salvador: You know… feed a cold… starve a fever.
Me: They say that?
Salvador: They do.
Salvador (coughs): Web MD.
Me: You’re sure.
Me: Let’s take your temperature.
Salvador: No need for that. It’s just a cold.
Me: They also say better safe than sorry.
Salvador: Who says that?
Me: Web MD.
Salvador: Look into my eyes.
Salvador: You are getting very sleepy.
Me: What do you think you’re doing?
Salvador: Hush. I’m hypnotizing you.
Me: Oh, really?
Salvador: Just work with me. Get sleepy…alright?
Salvador: When I count to three, you will bring me cheese. One… Two…. Three!
Salvador: Hey! Where are you going?!
Me (droning): To bring you fleas.
Salvador: Nobody likes a smartass.
Salvador: I want to be an astronaut.
Me: I see.
Salvador: I want to fly to the Dog Star and prove that it really is ruled by dogs.
Me: I… uh… see.
Salvador: There’s a rocket ship for sale on Craigslist. Buy it for me.
Me: You want to trust a used rocket ship?
Salvador: It will probably make it.
Me: Yeah. What could possibly go wrong?
Salvador: Fine. You can come with me.
Salvador: I’m thinking of becoming a mime.
Me: We are not having this conversation.
Me: Forget it.
Me: Just stop.
Me: YOU ARE NOT TRAPPED IN A BOX.
(Both of us suddenly waking up, at 3:00am)
Me: Sal… buddy… what are you doing?
Salvador: I wath dweaming abouth thewing on a bwig bwone.
Me: Well… take my arm out of your mouth.
Just so everyone is aware: All of Salvador’s emails come through his private server in the basement and should be considered Top Secret.
Salvador: Dude! You’ve been gone for days!!!
Me: I was out of the room for, like, five minutes brushing Dahlia.
Salvador: I had no idea where you were!!!
Me: You could hear me, buddy. Brushing Dahlia. Just like I brushed you five minutes before that.
Salvador: I totally panicked.
Me: Relax, buddy.
Salvador: I have abandonment issues.
Me: You have issues, all right.