Dahlia is like a refugee from an ’80s pop song: enthusiastic and a little bit drastic
Salvador never questions how his wealth is managed. All he knows is that he’s heavily invested in the science of neuroplasticity. And kibble.
Dahlia says, “Buy copper.”
Salvador, Salvador swimming in the ocean causing a commotion because he is so awesome.
Dahlia just doesn’t get the whole being sick, thing. She figures if I’m too sick to chase squirrels and I’m too sick to get excited about the rabbits across the street and I’m too sick for rasslin’ then the best thing is for me to go lay in the hole they dug out back and let them kick some dirt over me ’cause I must be dead.
And Dahlia doesn’t tolerate zombies.
Salvador thinks it’s cool that his brand of kibble has a picture of wolves hunting on the bag because wolves are cool and it’s cool that they like to eat what he likes to eat. He likes a cup of milk poured over his kibble, so wolves probably eat their kibble with milk also, because wolves are cool. That’s what he said.
Wolves are cool.
Dahlia would just like to point out that dogs are the gold standard of being sick. No one ever says they are sick as a cat. Dahlia — being a dog and all — knows what it means to be sick. But she’s pretty sure a good, long tummy rub will fix it. Most of it. Mostly.
I told her she shouldn’t eat things she finds in the yard.
He’s black and he’s furry,
A really good pal —
The hero of Canton,
The dog they call Sal.
If the sport of hunting rabbits is called rabbiting and hunting rabbits with a beagle is called beagling, then when Salvador and I hunt rabbits is it called Salivating?
Me: Dahlia! Don’t eat that!
Dahlia: Why not?
Me: It will make you sick.
Dahlia: Rob Lowe eats sandwiches he finds on the bus.
Me: That’s Poor Decision Making Rob Lowe. The commercial is about how stupid it is to have cable.
Dahlia: WE’RE GETTING CABLE!?!
ME: We’re not getting cable.
ME: We’re not getting cable.
Salvador: ‘Cause I’ll wait at home for the cable guy to come.
Me: You just want to bark at him.
Salvador: Don’t judge me.
Salvador got distracted and accidentally tried to understand ’em when he should have been roping, throwing, and branding ’em. Now Dahlia keeps teasing him saying it’s his fault we’re not living high and wide.
Salvador is thinking about publishing a cook book with some of his favorite recipes: Squirrel Stew, Rabbit Surprise, and — his very favorite — the Meow Meow Platter.
Me: Dahlia, stop it!
Me: Dahlia!!!! Take Salvador’s head out of your mouth!
Me: DAHLIA!!!! YOU STOP IT!!!! You’re going to break something! If you two want to fight, take it outside.
Dahlia: I can bite his ears outside?
Me: All fights must take place according to the Barkquess of Queensberry rules.
Dahlia: (Grabbing Salvador in a headlock and holding firmly onto his right paw) Stop punching yourself! Stop punching yourself!
I just looked up “Dahlia” on Wikipedia. It said “Wild Beast redirects here.”
Salvador just pointed out that Luna, Mike Fisher’s Great Dane, is ALMOST as big as Dahlia, and Dahlia is ALMOST as big as Salvador, and Salvador– as science has recently discovered — is precisely wolf-sized. So there is mounting evidence the he is actually a wolf.
Salvador doesn’t like to brag, but he just googled “Sheep’s Clothing” and discovered that it DOES come in his size, which — as everyone knows — is approximately the size of a wolf.
Salvador: Can I have Kung Fu lessons?
Me: Why do you want Kung Fu lessons?
Salvador: I want to fight crime.
Salvador (whispering): I’m Batdog.
Me: You are not Batdog.
Salvador: You’re right! I’m BatWOLF!!!
Me: That’s silly. Wolves don’t fly.
Salvador: AH-HAH!!! You have obviously never heard of Airwolf. That’s game, match, and point to me, Sir. I win.
Me: You didn’t win.
Salvador: I won. I’d like Kung Fu lessons as my victory prize.
I woke up suddenly this morning with Salvador’s nose about an inch from mine. He was panting.
Salvador (whispers): I’m Batdog.
Me: Salvador, what do you want?
Salvador: Batdog has to pee.
Me: Salvador, how are you going to fight crime without opposable thumbs?
Salvador: That’s why Batdog has a Trusty Sidekick.
Me: I am NOT your sidekick.
Salvador: Just open the door, Boy Wonder. And get the Batmobile warmed up. We have crime to fight!
Salvador: To the Bat-Writer, Boy Wonder! I need you to type a press release!
Me: That says what? “Batdog drinks from toilet. Film at 11?”
Salvador: Not funny.
Me: Oh! Here’s a good one– “Batdog catches Joker. Sits and shakes hands with him.”
Salvador: Just because the Joker is a bad boy doesn’t mean Batdog is.
Me: How about, “Caped Crusader fights crime by chasing his own tail?”
Salvador: You stink at being a Trusty Sidekick, you know.
Salvador: Batdog thinks we should try something different today. Let’s fight crime!
Me: We’ll have to fight crime after four. I have to work today.
Salvador: We have a duty to uphold! Crime never sleeps!
Me: If I don’t go to work I don’t earn the money to buy the kibble.
Salvador: Batdog has thought about it and decided a lot of crime happens after four.
Dahlia wants to know how she can get to be a guest on “Talking Dead.” She says she knows more about the show than any other dog ever AND she’s way smarter and more articulate than a lot of their non-cast guests.
Salvador: Dahlia won’t play with me.
Me: Why not?
Salvador: She says it’s because of the black beans and sauerkraut I had for a midnight snack.
Me: Oh. Well that make – wait, what?! Where did you get black beans and sauerkraut?!
Salvador: Well, from the pantry. Duh.
Me: Yes. But how did you get into the cans?
Salvador: Did you know that if you search for “can opener” on Amazon, you get 69,435 results?
Me: Salvador… What did you do?
Salvador: Who has time for that many product descriptions? I just ordered one of each. Figured one of them would be paw compatible. Good news! One was.
Salvador: Hey! If it’s not okay for other people to order off of Amazon, you shouldn’t leave your phone by the bed when you’re asleep.
Me: Does this mean I have almost seventy-thousand can openers to return?!?
Salvador: But think of how much time I saved you by ordering them for you! Now you’ve only got half the work to do!
Me: Somehow, that doesn’t help.
Salvador: Would you be interested to know that if you search for “dog toy” on Amazon, you get 176,312 results? I bet Dahlia is going to want to play with me tomorrow.
Katei: The tabloids have pictures of them kissing. That sounds like dating in my book.
Me: I’m pretty sure there are pictures of me and Salvador kissing. We’re not dating.
Katei: You weren’t French kissing.
Me: I’m pretty sure there are pictures of me and Dahlia French kissing. We aren’t dating.
Katei: But that wasn’t intentional on your part.
Dahlia: He loved it.
How is it that Salvador and Dahlia can differentiate between a junk food wrapper opening and a healthy snack wrapper opening from three rooms away?
Salvador: Dahlia! You have to call me Batdog! That’s my superhero name. Not Wonderdoof.
Dahlia: How about we just settle on the Dork Knight? Can we agree on that?
Salvador: Daddy!!! Make her stop!!!
Salvador (singing): See ya. Wouldn’t wanna be ya. ‘Cause you drive a Kia.
Me (laughing): What?!
Salvador: That’s what the Olathe Kia commercial said.
Me: I think you misunderstood.
Salvador: Batdog NEVER misunderstands.
Salvador: You know that Rottweiler next door? The ugly one with the bad breath?
Me: Yeah. Sure. What about him?
Salvador: You’re going to have to fight him.
Me: Wait. What?! Why would I do that?
Salvador: He said my cape looks stupid.
Me: Shouldn’t Batdog fight his own battles?
Salvador: Batdog has people for that.
Dahlia: Question. When dining from the trash can, is it really possible to eat all the worms and spit out the germs like Popeye?
Me: No. That’s a myth.
Dahlia (shouting): He says it’s not true!
Salvador (muffled; from the kitchen): Can’t talk. Spitting out germs.
Salvador loves a good musical, but Dahlia prefers an action flick.